Wanna take a look?

I found out something incredibly awful yesterday, about my friend Jimmy.
I couldn't believe it when I read his post.
And still I am deathly afraid to contact him.
See for too long I have distanced myself from the people I love.
I'm afraid that my current circumstances will bring them all down,
AND I'm so embarresed.

I hate having to deal with this shit. I love them all so very much, but I just can't bring myself to do anything. I hate myself for this.
Because every day that goes by, it gets more and more akward. People grow apart.
People change.
I'm afraid they may hate me, pity me.
I am some kind of freak now.
And you'll never see me the same.
I miss the old me.
I feel I've lost my soul, my personality, everything I used to know and love about myself.

Wonderboy

Taken from "Friend of Mine" By Liz Phair

It's been so long since you've been a friend of mine.
Gonna take a vacation
Stop chasing what I lack
Am I gonna get blown off
As soon as I get back
On another track without you

Cause I don't have the heart to try
One more false start in life.
It's been so hard to get it straight.
Seems like the moment I catch up the farther you fly.

And I wasted your time
And it's been so long since weve been friends.
It seems like I dreamed and now I'm waking up to daylight.

What happened?
When did you let go of me?
I miss you so badly
It's been too long since weve been friends

Blah, Blah, Blah...

This past weekend has been the gloomiest yet.
I didn't get the job that was going to be so perfect.
My mother has been screaming at me every time I see or talk to her.
I have no job, no money.
I won't have a place to live soon.

On the bright side I am beginning to not resent my boyfriend. He is starting to come around. He basically gave me his second car to use (I just have to learn to drive a stick shift) and he's been saying to me "Try to hurry up and get your shit together so we can get married".
I have so many hopes and dreams for myself, and my family and our future.
I want to do something fun with myself, something adventurous.
But until I can afford to take that leap, I have to do mind numbing, demeaning work.

And I'm not complaining, cause I'll take anything I can get right now.
I have this awful feeling in the back of my head of impending doom: My dauhter and I being homeless out in the cold, No money, No food to feed her. It's hard to think that this could actually happen.

I'm still looking up, though. Hoping, trying as hard as I can just to get a job, and awaiting my fate.

It's funny because I never believed in fate before.

Timing is everything

I had an interview yesterday with this answering service. It all sounded so perfect. The manager was nice, as were the employees. He called me back finally to tell me he wanted me on his staff. He has to call me back later to give me the details.

I desperately need this job, so much so that I don't even care how little they might pay me.

See, I need to let my leasing company know if we are renewing our lease, or moving out by the end of this month.

I really hate all this crunch-time shit! I am taking my time on making a decision about the apartment. If I renew, I might not be able to pay the rent, they'd evict us, then sue me for the rest of the year's rent. If I decide not to stay, I could get a really good job, BUT because of my horrible credit(due to loosing 3 jobs at once back in June) I could never get another apartment again.

I have no family or friends to help me. I have no clue what to do, no one to guide me.

And on top of all this bullshit I'm worrying about my relationship with Jason. See, even though he loves me and my daughter deeply, and he has money(comes from money),
He could never be with a homeless girl.

Greater Views

I was asked to attend a last minute interview last night, around 4:30 for a company called Vector, for and outstanding $19 an hour. As I drove there I thought to myself"Finally, someone is giving me a break". See, when I was canned from my last full-time job, it almost seemed like I was blacklisted. Even though the company stated they would give me an excellent reccomendation, and not tell everyone that I had been fired.

I had my hopes set too high. I was expecting to walk into a nice security company,and hopefully get a sweet ass job. Boy was I wrong.

The interview and orientation process lasted hours. And they kept telling me how great there comapany was.Saying how much they have grown, how they reach customers, blah, blah, blah! Then at the very end (somewhere around 8:30 pm) the owner of the company told me they weren't Vector Security, but some crazy ass cutlery company designed to help college students and young people make money for scholarships!!
They wanted me to ask my family and friends to buy this crap, and get reccomendations to other people.

Needless to say I was a pissed bitch! I got up in the middle of him boasting about himself again, and calmly said " I'm sorry, young man(the owner was 22!). This is not the right oppurtunity for me". Slammed by clipboard (which I was required to take down PAGES of notes on)down on his desk, and walked out.

See no matter how good things seem to be, they can always turn out to be a load of crap.
And Lucky me has been through too damn much to deal with this shit.

I have such a wonderful perception of the world around me, but it doesn't seem to bring me any success.

I'm Back, and with so much to tell.

Hey everyone... Yes I know it's been way too long. I've neglected my blog, alot of friends, and all who read. I've been trying to get my life together since I lost all 3 of my jobs at one back in June/2005.
THE SCOOP:
I've had a few non-permanant oppurtunities, and that's about it. I'm currently working for the Office of the Public Defender for my state, but it's only one day a week, Sundays! Yuch! Besides this is nothing. No money. No job offers.Ziltch.

The lease on my apartment is up in April, but I have to let them know by January 30th of what we plan to do.It's crunch time. And I've run out of options.

Next week I have an exam to take to become an officer for the state. Last exam, passed all the others. Great money, and in my line of work. Hopefully, finally something good will happen.

To all of you who I have rudely ignored: It was only because I didn't want to bring you down with me. Trust me, it was for the better, it is all way to depressing.
I saw a gorgous framed picture of Wonder Woman in a retaraunt and thought of you.( I swear I was going to rip it off the wall!) I am so sorry, Jimmy.

You all out there are free to comment and suggest as you please.

Love,
Blondie