My Secret Obsession

Help! This is so hard! The food is everywhere. It makes me sick! I work right next to a Dunkin Donuts and a Taco Bell. Across the street is a whole plethora of grocery stores and restaurants. I don't think about it all the time, though. And I have learned, that if I don't have any money, and I don't bring any food with me, then I'm OK.

Yesterday was BAD, real bad! I accidentally forgot to give M his credit card back, so I asked permission to buy myself lunch. I went overboard! I got a Latte, an egg and cheese croissant, AND a muffin. At least it took me all day to eat the muffin, I didn't just cram it down my throat. But still. It's all very unhealthy for me. So many calories, so much cholesterol. I swear that I had chest pains while I was driving home from work. So this scared me even more! I have to eat healthier.

Today is yogurt day. I ate part of it this morning, then threw the rest away. So now it's down to my daily water consumption, which keeps me going. Luckily, the days here are pretty short, I am kept very busy!

But, when I get home, I have to be very, very careful. There is a ton of food in the house, because M and my daughter eat normally. It's the few hours that I am home alone that really kick my butt! It's before M gets home. I start thinking that I can get away with eating something before dinner, and that it won't affect me. But it always does. I have to learn to control myself! I hate it, when I gorge. It's so disgusting. I try to keep my mind off of it. I take care of my daughter, clean the house, and try to call M. But he is always very busy, and I hate to call and be a bother. But it helps. Even when he doesn't know it, he's helping me become healthier. Just hearing him chat comforts me, and lets me know that he loves me, and for our families' future I must take care of myself.

The next step is to join a gym, AGAIN. I want to go back to where I was. That way I can tan and work out for 24 hours a day. It's great. I just have to ask M to budget it. It might take a few months, or maybe cutting back on a few things. But I need this. I will never forget the strength and self motivation I had. Exercise creates the greatest endorphins, and endorphins make you happy.

I wonder if he knows? I know that he must suspect that something is going on with me. But we haven't actually sat down and talked about it. Maybe we should tonight? I wonder what he wants for dinner? I'm not hiding it from him, never ever. We tell eachother everything, well I do, I hope he tells me everything. Anyways...I'm looking down and noticing that my legs and hands are a bit thinner. Not by much, but enough that I can notice, especially my hands.
I have to remember to weigh myself in the morning! (Another thing that M doesn't know). That I actually do care about it.

Love It! Love It! Love It!

There are so many great things going on this week! My apartment is finally getting all fixed up! It needed a lot of work. I had broken hallway closets, rotting walls and ceilings, cracks in my bathroom, leaks in pipes, etc. AND I find out while I'm on the phone with them that I am allowed to paint my bathroom, and not get charged for it when we move out! Yay! Pink Perfection here I come!

My mom is taking my daughter this weekend, which means M and I get to fool around all we want! We could just stay in bed all weekend if we wanted to! Woo Hoo!

BUT, this weekend we are going to find a storage facility for the rest of his/my stuff. Too many items, not enough space in my apartment. So we will both have to compromise for each other.

Also...This is the weekend where I get to shock the crap out of my hair! I'm going for all over blonde, finally! I just have to watch it, for I have many, many different hues in it. I think M is intrigued at the fact, for he does not have recollection of why they call me Blondie.

And this week is going so very fast! It's already Wednesday! Two more days till payday!

Lastly, I still LOVE my job, I'm very passionate about it. My daughter is at a better daycare because of it. So, let me get back to it!

Catch you on the flip side, yo! lololol

I'm such a dork!

Department Of Fucktards

I had the worst morning, so please excuse the horrendous language!

I had an early appointment with the Depatment Of Social Services. Bright and early, 8am. I, courteously, got their early. Around 7:15. HUGE MISTAKE.

Imagine this: It's winter, and freezing out, the wind is blowing, the sun has not yet breached the horizon. And, of course, I am not dressed for the weather. I had decided to wear my hoodie, with no gloves, no hat, no scarf. And, because I very rarely wear tennis shoes, I'm in heels, and no socks.

I waited, and waited. People gathered waiting for the door to open. We noticed the sign on the door states that they open at 8:30a. The security guard bitch was just sitting in there, watching us shiver and freeze. They could care less! There was even a mother and her small baby waiting to get in, and they rather sit around and chit chat and sit on their fat asses then have the human decency to let us in!

Things brings me to a conclusion: People don't care. It's like a lot of them are dead inside. Just zombies walking around doing what's on their "schedule".

About a year again I came face to face with this. My ex-boyfriend and I were driving down the road, going home from a night of shopping. We were exiting the interstate and all of a sudden the car in front of us spun out of control, flew onto the sideway and landed in a wooded area. He didn't even flinch. He didn't stop, he just kept on driving. I was screaming at him to pull over and help the man. But he wouldn't. He didn't even care.

I was disgusted at this. How could you just keep on driving and not even think to help? What if there would have been small children in the car?

Well, if it were up to me, I would have stopped. I would have helped, done anything I could.

People can be so heartless, so cruel. I hope and pray that I will never become one of these people.

Well, of course it's Monday, again!

This weekend was rather dull, and very lonely. M went to Conneticut to visit his parents. I didn't get to go. I don't like it when he leaves, but I love the fact that he cares enough to go visit his family once a month. So I'm torn. It's awful not having him there with me at night. It's awful not having him in the daytime, either.

Luckily, though he got home safe and sound late Sunday night. And next weekend is ours, my Mummy is taking my daughter for the whole weekend. So we get to stay home and play. lol

I've set into what they call "The Daily Grind". Luckily, though, I absolutely adore my job, and look forward to it every day. Sadly, it's very rare that anyone can say this.

And something HUGE has happened. I've delayed bringing it up, and haven't mentioned it in the past either.

I have found my father, er...He has found me!

He finally got through to my Mum via email about a week ago. I belive it has been about 4 years since we have heard from him. And it turns out I was looking in all the wrong places!

He's in Chicago now. The windy (and freaking cold as hell) city. I couldn't believe it when I saw his email address, when I heard his voice again for the first time.

I had been brought to tears so very many times over the past few years! My father and I are so very much alike. We are both very laid back, intuitive, passionate people. I love him so very dearly. I was definatley "Daddy's Little Girl". I am lucky to take after him.

So, he's up there, unhappy because he is so far away from me/us, and doing what he has always loved to do. He's getting pretty big in the music scene up there. Playing in clubs, getting some really nice reviews and press, etc.

So, if you have the time, please check out his new CD. And this is not just coming from his daughter, this is coming from a music aficionado, of sorts...It kicks butt! So, the more I spread the word, the more people can hear his music.

http://www.mojozap.com/

And, of course we still have a lot of catching up to do!

Quote/Link Of The Day

"Thank God I have this ugly fat body for which to focus on and hate and spend all my time trying to fix, change, lessen. Thank God for exercise machines, and diet pills. Thank God for weightloss. Thank God I can try and fix the outside because I just know that the inside is beyond repair."

Taken from http://grotto.projectshapeshift.net

A place that inspires and supports me and a lot of others to reach their goals.

Oh, and try not to hate/judge me too badly.

What's Up??

Wow...so much to talk about! I finally got a new, permanent job a couple weeks ago! It's so great! I love my boss, and all the work I do, etc.

But, life still aint easy. Because of all the flip flopping around and between jobs I am broke. I haven't been able to pay most of my bills, and therefore owe thousand of dollars to a lot of companies. I had to cut off my house phone, and I still have no clue how to pay my rent for next month.

I'm worried that good ol' Cingular will shut off my cell phone. I'm worried about BGE shutting off my electricity. So every day is a struggle. It's hard enough alone to put food on the table. It sucks. And even though I love my job, I had to take a HUGE paycut when I was hired. But stability is very, very important to me. And hopefully when my probationary period is over, I will get a nice pay raise.

So, not making enough to pay even one months of my bills is making it even harder than expected to catch up. Luckily I have some support. My boyfriend M and I are still together, and going strong. And even though he makes tons and tons of money, he still has tons of bills and child support to wipe most of it out. At least he understands where I am coming from. He is able to give me a bit of money here and there.

I love him so much! It's like we are apart of eachother, and it's wonderful. I'm just praying that we can make it through this! (And that Uncle Sam is very generous with me this year!)

Hooray for tax time!

Oh! And on a more sad and disgusting note.. What the hell is up with Britney Spears!??? I swear to god, I wish I could help her, she needs it, BAD! I would donate my services for free just to get her ass back together.

Check out www.perezhilton.com

Love you Perez!!!

Hi Mark! xoxo Goldi

Jimmy: Love you! Call me!