My Secret Obsession

Help! This is so hard! The food is everywhere. It makes me sick! I work right next to a Dunkin Donuts and a Taco Bell. Across the street is a whole plethora of grocery stores and restaurants. I don't think about it all the time, though. And I have learned, that if I don't have any money, and I don't bring any food with me, then I'm OK.

Yesterday was BAD, real bad! I accidentally forgot to give M his credit card back, so I asked permission to buy myself lunch. I went overboard! I got a Latte, an egg and cheese croissant, AND a muffin. At least it took me all day to eat the muffin, I didn't just cram it down my throat. But still. It's all very unhealthy for me. So many calories, so much cholesterol. I swear that I had chest pains while I was driving home from work. So this scared me even more! I have to eat healthier.

Today is yogurt day. I ate part of it this morning, then threw the rest away. So now it's down to my daily water consumption, which keeps me going. Luckily, the days here are pretty short, I am kept very busy!

But, when I get home, I have to be very, very careful. There is a ton of food in the house, because M and my daughter eat normally. It's the few hours that I am home alone that really kick my butt! It's before M gets home. I start thinking that I can get away with eating something before dinner, and that it won't affect me. But it always does. I have to learn to control myself! I hate it, when I gorge. It's so disgusting. I try to keep my mind off of it. I take care of my daughter, clean the house, and try to call M. But he is always very busy, and I hate to call and be a bother. But it helps. Even when he doesn't know it, he's helping me become healthier. Just hearing him chat comforts me, and lets me know that he loves me, and for our families' future I must take care of myself.

The next step is to join a gym, AGAIN. I want to go back to where I was. That way I can tan and work out for 24 hours a day. It's great. I just have to ask M to budget it. It might take a few months, or maybe cutting back on a few things. But I need this. I will never forget the strength and self motivation I had. Exercise creates the greatest endorphins, and endorphins make you happy.

I wonder if he knows? I know that he must suspect that something is going on with me. But we haven't actually sat down and talked about it. Maybe we should tonight? I wonder what he wants for dinner? I'm not hiding it from him, never ever. We tell eachother everything, well I do, I hope he tells me everything. Anyways...I'm looking down and noticing that my legs and hands are a bit thinner. Not by much, but enough that I can notice, especially my hands.
I have to remember to weigh myself in the morning! (Another thing that M doesn't know). That I actually do care about it.